Bespectacled Buffy
by MindOverMatter
Summary: Buffy gets glasses. Why? It's a mystery! But it's still funny. Even with...the MYSTERY! **Buffy now has her glasses, and now has her endless teasing about it too**
1. Who needs glasses?

Bespectacled Buffy  
  
Disclaimer: I have glasses, but not the Buffy characters. Those fit on Joss Whedon's head.  
  
A/N: All Buffy lovers out there! Please do not take offense if characters are OOC. My second fic. A/U because Buffy cannot actually get glasses. Maybe she can. I don't. Know. More development later on. Please mind all silliness. That is all. All Fanfic lovers out there! Please review, if you don't like, constructive criticism accepted. No Visa or Mastercard. That is all.  
  
"Take this. Take that. Take another! They're free!" Buffy gasped, winded as she smacked a vamp silly. "Oof!" Buffy grunted, but missed her target.  
  
"Huh?" She lunged again missing. "Do my Spider. . . er. . . Slayer senses sense something?" She sniffed the air.  
  
Author: Why are you sniffing the air?  
  
"Because my sense is in my nose."  
  
Author: Those are scents, duh.  
  
"Yeah. . .whatever." And she went back to searching for the long lost vampire.  
  
"Ahhh!" Buffy had tripped over a fire hydrant. Everything was blurry, she could make out shapes, but they regressed only into triangles, squares, and circles.  
  
"What? I don't remember that ever being there.ARGH!" Buffy had tripped over the sidewalk? "Oh my gosh! I can't see? My Slayer senses are supposed to make everything about my five senses impeccable! *Sniff sniff* "Smells all right. . . except for me. Stupid Doublemeat Palace".  
  
She gripped Mr. Pointy. "Oww! I got a splinter! Guess my feeling's all right." She heard rustling behind her. "GET OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!" The vamp lunged at her from behind, holding her in a chokehold.  
  
"Hyunh!" She elbowed him until he gave, releasing her. She heaved breathlessly. "Guess. . . my. . . *gasp* hearing's all right." She spun around and struck the vamp behind her, who was resting up for his final attack.  
  
"Oww. . .what's this? She unraveled her leather jacket sleeve and spotted what looked like a crescent moon shape surrounded by two circles burned into her arm. "I must find Giles, dangnabbit. Dangnabbit? Something must be happening to me."  
  
"Giles! Whoops!" And with an "Agh!", Buffy had fallen down the stairs leading to the table they had always used for research at the Magic Box. She arrived all bruised and beaten. She felt around for the chair, even though she could make out the outline. There was only one person at the table and that was--  
  
"Pip-pip Cheerio, Buffy! A horrendous day at bloody patrolling? Must've been a jolly good time! Hmm. . .there seems to be something bloody wrong with you," Giles remarked in an unbelievably stretched English accent.  
  
"No. Really." She remarked sarcastically. "Is there something wrong with your voice?" Buffy asked to the far corner of the wall.  
  
"I've been cast in a play, if you'll believe that. I'm playing an English gent!" Buffy merely told the opposite chair, "but you already have the accent." Giles took hold of her head and craned it toward him. "Yes, but I want to make it believable. Am I suddenly unbelievably ugly?"  
  
"No, why?" she asked an indoor plant. "Because you seem to," he moved her head again, "you seem to be facing the wrong way talking to me."  
  
"Oh thaaat. . .I seem to be. . .experiencing visual difficulties. No cause for alarm. I think my eyeballs are extra watery. Yeah, I'm sure that's just it. But I got this weird tattoo from a kind vampire today during my patrol."  
  
"Yes yes. I will help you if you help research with me as well." "I'm flabbergasted that you would want ME to help research! Can't Willow or Xander do it?"  
  
Flabbergasted? Where am I coming up with all these strange phrases? She thought.  
  
"Besides, hello? Can't see? Extra watery eyes?" Giles rubbed the bridge of his nose, although it was already rubbed raw from so many other rubbings there. *sigh* "Alright Buffy, but just stay put and don't get into trouble." "Trouble? Me?"  
  
"Buffster! How're you doing?" Xander asked, glad to see his ol' buddy.  
  
"Not so good, sonny. Sonny? Argh, never mind. My eyes are bothering me." She rubbed the joint of her nose tiredly.  
  
"Oookay, so Giles, whaddya need?" Xander was always a little excited at some of the smallest things.  
  
"Umm. . .help planning a fiesta? What do you think, Xander? Research! Research we always do that doesn't seem to do much" Giles rubbed his nose some more.  
  
"Alright, but I'm bringing Willow to the fiesta too. There's a piñata, right? I love piñatas. Just not. . . clown ones." He shivered at the thought. "But hey, I could beat up a clown with a bat and get candy outta him, right?"  
  
"Hey guys. It's me. Willow." She waved her hand. The three turned to look at-Willow?  
  
"Hey Wi--Will? Are you okay? You don't look so . . .um . . .good." Xander noticed that she was all blue . . .and two-dimensional, and had fuzzy lines.  
  
"Oh yeah, that. I made this new program to project me from my room to anywhere. Because y'know . . .I'm good with computers and all. So I'm here . . . sort of. In the Magic Box. Right now. See? I can do everything a person can . . .except touch anything. I need a hand buddy."  
  
"I'll be your hand buddy. My hands are good!" Xander volunteered, excited of this small thing.  
  
After an hour of research: Nope, nothing came up.  
  
Two hours went by and-- "LOOK!" Willow. . . er. . .Holographic Willow announced. "I found something!"  
  
"What Willow?" Giles asked. He really wanted to go home now, because he had a bloody play to rehearse and all that. But no. He had to do this for humankind. Buffy=mankind. Therefore, he had to help Buffy. "Tell us what you've found in TWO HOURS! Cor blimey, it better be good."  
  
"Of course it's of the good! I found my pencil! You know? The first pencil I did the levitation spell with! Aww, hello Mr. Graphite!"  
  
'Oh. Bugger it all.' Giles thought.  
  
Three hours of no food went by, to poor Xander's inconvenience.  
  
"By Jove I think I've got it! The sign of Amhura. It actually ages people far faster than normal. Buffy's ears perked up.  
  
"What was that Giles? What did that vampire do to me? Am I losing my slayer powers? Oh God, please no." Buffy started losing it. "Then I'm not special anymore. Am I special Giles? Slayers are special. Without my slayer powers, I won't be accepted in society. I'll be lost . . .like Faith and Spike and," she cringed at the thought, "Angel." She stared off into the distance.  
  
Giles didn't want to do this, but he had to. Buffy was . . .scary this way. So in pure slapstick comedy style, slapped her. "Get a hold of yourself, woman!"  
  
Buffy shook her head and gave him a scornful look. "GILES! That wasn't a very gentleman-y thing to do!"  
  
"Never mind that, Buffy. Let's try to salvage what we can until you decline even further. We need to get you to an optometrist." He grabbed hold of her and was about to whisk her to his own optometrist when she planted her feet into the ground.  
  
"Optometrist? I'm going to get . . . glasses?"  
  
"Well, you see, you could very well get contacts now in this day and age, I suppose." This helped calm her nerves down a bit until she questioned his authority. "Then why don't you have contacts?"  
  
"Well," he started, thinking a little bit. "That isn't the look for me, you see. I like my glasses. They're my signature look! Just like you and your vampire boyfriends."  
  
"Whoa whoa whoa.. hold on just . . .right there. I've only had one. . .ONE vampire boyfriend, okay?" She held up one finger up to his face. At least what she thought she saw was one finger. "Not more than one, just. . .one."  
  
"Yes yes. . .Angel. Now let's GO! He's going to close in an hour! Xander? Willow?" He said Willow's name with a hint of uncertainty of what to call her at this stage. "Willow. Stay here and do more research on Amhura."  
  
"Okey-doke. You can count on me. And uh, Willow." Xander called after them as Buffy and Giles left the store with the last 'clang' of the doorbell.  
  
After a bunch of struggling, Buffy was now sitting in the dreaded chair. "And now, Buffy. Have you ever had any glasses or any visual help?" Dr. Monroe asked Buffy. "N-no. Nope not at all." At least, not with my Slayer perks I didn't. she thought.  
  
"Okay, now we're going to do a little test." He swung a big machine with many circles on it toward her face. "HEY! Hold it right there!" She scanned the machine up and down expecting any sign it was a demon's toy. That machine surely had to be evil, because well, it looked evil.  
  
"Just relax and tell me which one's better." She looked through the two holes as he switched lenses. "1 or 2. 1 or 2." "1. No 2. Wait. 1. Lemme see 2 again. Actually 1. Definitely one." After a few, actually many, minutes going on like this, the doctor finally gave her the prescription.  
  
"Buffy, what I'm about to say to you my affect your whoooole life. That is unless you get that newfangled laser surgery operation. You, Buffy Summers, need glasses." 


	2. Hornrimmed Blues

Bespectacled Buffy  
  
Disclaimer: Does Joss have glasses anyway? No really. Does he? Well he sure has the Buffy characters.  
  
A/N: Buffy won't be killed because this is a HUMOR story. At least I hope it SOUNDS like one :\ and of course, reviews are nice, like sugar and spice, but not slugs or puppy dog tails . . .o_o  
  
Buffy walked into the Magic Box with a very haggard looking Giles. They looked over the shop and spotted Xander with his nose in his book. Literally. They picked his sleeping head up off it so he wouldn't suffocate.  
  
'A typical Xander predicament' Giles noted.  
  
They searched around for holo-Willow. "You know Willow, it would've been MUCH easier if you'd just come here yourself." Buffy grumbled. "But now, with your new glasses, you can help me now!" Giles remarked enthusiastically. "Sure. Fun. Stupid glasses." And Buffy stalked off to find holo-Willow.  
  
"Found her!"  
  
Giles rushed over to Buffy. "She's doing a floaty thing here." Giles remembered that holo-Willow could not touch anything, so here she is. Sleeping horizontally. In the air.  
  
"Remarkable. Utterly astounding." He said as he looked at her up and down. Or side to side in this case. He passed his hand through it and wiggled his fingers, touching nothing but air. "Tickle tickle goo goo." He watched the holo-Willow giggle a bit and turn on its side.  
  
"Giles! What in the hell are you doing?" Buffy said wide-eyed. "Er. . . nothing. I was just fascinated by the work used in this. I must ask the girl to help me catalog all my books into the computer!" Buffy remembered the wall-to-wall collection of books Giles had at the library. At hearing this, holo-Willow immediately shot up. "WHAT?!"  
  
She apparently remembered too.  
  
Xander lazily started waking up, and catching Buffy off guard taunted, "GEEK! AHAHAHA! FULL-BLOWN GEEK!" Buffy glared at him through her thick lenses and black, horn-rimmed frames. "Sorry, I always wanted to say that."  
  
"Listen, I didn't get to pick the stupid frames, ok?" Buffy complained. "But you spent 3 hours looking at the same two!" Giles wailed. "Well. None of them suited my complexion." Giles sighed. "I still couldn't see why I couldn't have gotten contacts," Buffy grumbled and left for home.  
  
"ROAR!" Roared a demon (sue me, it's an onomatopoeia.). It punched Buffy in the face, cracking her glasses in half at the nosepiece. "You're paying for that. . .with your life! Those were designer Armani glasses! Ok, actually they're this unknown brand of glasses, but they were still very expensive! HEEYAH! HAH!" Buffy delivered a mind-blowing spin-kick to the already black-and-blue demon that was amazingly flabby (contrasting to the normal 6-pack demons she usually encountered. Meanwhile, she had one hand holding up the remains of her glasses on her face.  
  
"Ha ha. Now you're in a pickle, aren't you? Pickle? Grr. . . stupid annoying old-timer cliché thingies." But she did start laughing as it was too enveloped in its loose skin (like Clem) that it couldn't get up. She leapt on it and staked it through the heart. At least through the demon's skin folds she THOUGHT it was its heart.  
  
"Nobody can escape the wrath of Buffy! New and improved!" 'Not on the looks side though. Thank goodness that demon couldn't see me through his overhanging forehead skin' she thought.  
  
Buffy grabbed the remains of her glasses and stuffed them in her pocket. "Whoa!" Buffy yelled, as she toppled over. . .who else (at least who else would I MAKE her topple over, hee hee)? "BLOODY HELL SLAYER!" Spike took one look at her, then the parts of her glasses sticking out of her pocket.  
  
"The slayer's . . . got glasses?" He burst into a sudden laughter.  
  
"I don't understand what's so funny Spike! Considering the fact you used to have glasses and all."  
  
Ooh, this dealt a great blow to the blond vamp's ego. He growled, "Whatever Slayer. I'll get the better of you lot yet." And with a last flip of his duster collar, disappeared into the dark. "Hee hee, William Wordsworth." Then she left, with a graceful 'thump' of her body as she collided with a street lamp.  
  
"Willow! You're in full color now!" Buffy said joyfully as she clambered across the floor to embrace her friend. "OOF!" She cried as she, again, fell to the floor. "A little. . . help please?" Buffy called out meekly.  
  
A hand gripped her, but it wasn't Willow. "Giles, do ya really think that I look like Willow?" Xander asked.  
  
"Let's see, a little red hair here, a little eye shadow there. . .no you don't." Xander rolled his eyes. "Ha ha. What if I said you looked like. . .Buffy?"  
  
"HEY! I'm still here. On the floor? Anybody remember Buffy?" Xander lifted her up and exclaimed, "BUFFY? YOUR NERD GLASSES!" He snickered and was received by a hard punch on the arm.  
  
"Oww. Remember you're a slayer? Slayer equals slayer strength? Great googlie mooglies." He slunk off to. . .somewhere. "Did you and Willow find anything, Xander?" Giles called.  
  
"Yeah yeah. Woman. Old. Young. Branded. Restores youth with youth of somebody else." Xander replied. "That sounds strangely like that Inca Mummy girl." Xander made a weird noise at that name and said, "Oh yea, um, the brand contains poison that goes to the mind and accelerates the aging of the body, or something like that."  
  
"Very . . . informative Xander."  
  
"Well, it's a lot better than what see-through girl here did."  
  
"Willow, get your flesh and blood butt over here. This," Buffy pointed at the hologram, "is getting very annoying." "Why?" Willow asked, discouraged. "Because I need WILLOW! Good ol' able-to-handle-and-touch- things Willow." She replied. "B-but, Xander was doing just fine!" Xander was beaming at this compliment, but quickly cleared his throat and returned to his normal face, which was still funny looking as he was still glowing on the inside.  
  
''S funny what one single compliment can do to Xander. A real easy to please guy.' Willow thought and snickered. "All right already! I'm coming!" With that, the hologram disappeared.  
  
A few minutes later Willow arrived. "Hey gang!" Giles poked her. Willow looked at him weirdly.  
  
"Uh, just checking."  
  
"Buffy! Why aren't you wearing your glasses?" Willow noticed. "Er. . . uh. . ." Buffy looked uneasy. She didn't want to wear those ugly passé things again. Giles whisked out the frames from her pocket. "HEY! You're rummaging through my private property!" She shooed his hands away, but he still had hold of the glasses, those dreadful glasses.  
  
"Oh, I've seen cases of this before. I'll fix it right away!" And Giles went over to the counter.  
  
'Oh no. Please no. Don't do what I think you're about to do' Buffy anxiously thought.  
  
He pulled open the drawer filled with a stapler, stapler-remover, whiteout, pens, and. . . 'No. . . NO. . . NO!'  
  
Buffy watched in horror as he cut a piece of masking tape and wound it around the nose part of the glasses.  
  
He handed them back to her and merely replied, "Good as sodding new, by golly!" Xander looked at him weirdly. Giles looked at him right back the same way.  
  
Buffy took the frames out of Giles' hand with a shaking arm. "Go ahead! Try them on!" Giles said, obviously pleased with his "handiwork". She haltingly put them onto place.  
  
"Hee hee, mini-Giles!" Willow whispered to Xander. But with her Slayer hearing, Buffy shot a worried glance at Willow, and Willow furtively glanced back with a 'I'm sorry, the joke was setup so why not! Face.'  
  
'I don't look that bad, do I?' Buffy contemplated.  
  
She wandered to the bathroom mirror and screamed.  
  
'It wasn't THAT bad.' Willow thought as she plugged her ears. 


End file.
